It’s rare for me to read quotes online and think to myself, “actually, that completely describes how I feel”, but if there were to be one quote that applies to me, it would be this:
“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”- author M
(N.B. Don’t get me wrong, the post that follows isn’t a “I hate living in England” diatribe by the way, I don’t. This is more of a cathartic processing of how weird it can feel to repatriate, not only to make sense of it for me, but in the hope that it helps others in the same situation, or those that are about to embark on the “going home” journey themselves…It should also help give a picture of the reality behind living as an expat, it’s not all lunches and holidays as some people imagine it to be!)
For the past few days I have found myself replaying the more negative aspects of our time abroad in my kopfkino (head cinema – possibly my favourite German expression)… Dreading the morning encounter with the most miserable (and possibly racist) postman in the world in Denmark for example. Important appointments that were only half understood (and that I still mull over from time to time) as I struggled to decipher one language or another. Crashing my car in both countries (and having to deal with the aftermath!). Landlords who would turn up unannounced for odd reasons (let’s not talk about having to live with their questionable decor that I longed to do something about. I am overdosing on interior design in my own house now!)! Desperately missing out on family get togethers – I remember crying whilst putting crosses on the bottom of the sprouts one Christmas morning because we weren’t with loved ones… Then there were the extra expat parent dilemmas such as when the children found out the truth about Father Christmas far too early thanks to international classmates (we got around that one by telling them he only visited those who truly believed)! And perhaps top of my list – having a baby in a hospital that didn’t do gas and air (common for Germany, you have been warned!), and having to cope in a foreign hospital away from family and friends when things didn’t quite go according to plan.
It’s very typical that I do this “trying to wrench off the rose-tinted glasses about expat life” around the time of the anniversaries of our return. Exactly two years ago this week we became “English” again. Or at least that was the plan. We would just fit seamlessly back in to our own country, the kids would feel completely settled as soon as their feet touched the ground (they were back in their “home country” after all!), and we would all be happy to be back in the land we know the best (well at least Mr R and I do. I have to remind people that the children have lived outside of the UK for longer than they have lived in it!). Except like most great plans in life, it doesn’t always work out like that.
Thankfully our journey has become easier with the acquisition of our very own house (finally! You can often find me covered in paint or mud now weather dependant), and moving back to a part of the country that we actually know (and have strong connections with after all this time) has helped after a somewhat bumpy landing in a part of the country that felt completely alien. But even now a big part of me doesn’t feel very “English” anymore, and part of me wonders if I ever will.
Future repatriates should be prepared for what can often be a harder move than any international one. Welcome back to “normality” (whatever that is!) where the only people who truly get how you might feel are those that have done it themselves (don’t be afraid to join expat groups in your own country by the way, it’s a great way of meeting like-minded people). Be prepared for disagreements with family and friends who don’t understand why you don’t feel 100% settled, and can’t accept that you will probably move on again for work reasons. The “why would you want to do that again now you are home?” question becomes an all too familiar one. But can you expect people to truly understand if they haven’t ever been in a similar situation themselves? It’s common for them to take your lack of enthusiasm personally perceiving it as a slight against their lives and choices, when in all honesty it’s just a bit of an internal struggle as you patiently wait for your noggin to rewire and adjust to thinking in a whole new old way again!
Be prepared to feel slightly deflated a lot of the time as everything seems “normal again”, but on the plus side, you no longer have to try to work things out (in a different language) in a country where things are done in a completely different way, and where a lot of the time you weren’t totally privy to a lot things happening around you. Being able to suddenly understand everything can feel like you are at the loudest concert by the way, and there will be times when you wish you couldn’t speak the language believe me.
It’s normal to feel like you don’t belong “at home” for the first few months (even a year or two in!) I absolutely promise you that. It’s also normal to eventually find a new normal – an acceptable state of alignment (as someone who has been through repatriation cleverly described it on my Instagram feed recently), and it’s also completely normal (thankfully) to look upon areas of your own country in a whole new light – which can actually be really positive. When we recently went to Bath for example, for the first time I noticed how immensely beautiful it was, whereas in the countless times I had visited before, it was just “Bath”… I have a newfound appreciation for the English Countryside too (although I wish we had a few more mountains!), and rediscovering old haunts that look completely different with your English/Not English eyes has been really lovely over the festive period.
Acceptable states of alignment do typically happen though sooner or later, and we are all beginning to adjust. Whilst we think (know. Sorry Mum!) the probability of us going abroad again is high, it’s important to accept that life is just different again, and to look on this experience as we would any “new country” – that definitely helps. Whilst it also feels like “my country” has changed quite a lot in the time we were away, and I need to remember that I have too.
And as for that new favourite saying of mine at the top? It’s completely true. All that discombobulation (love that word!) really “is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place”…
If you think you might find my other posts on repatriation helpful, you can find a couple here, and here…
*collaborative post
Welcome back Emma. Have fun doing up your house. Here’s hoping by Spring/Summer all will be right with as rain as they say. Thanks for being open about your experiences. It’s will be a great help to many, I’m sure.
Thanks so much Maria, we are getting there slowly but surely, it’s just taken longer than expected! xx
A great post, and good to read the comments too. Always good to know there’s others out there feeling the same! I blogged about every stage of our relocation experience in Montreal, but as yet can’t quite find the words to express how I feel on repatriation. Thanks for doing it for me.
I am so glad you found it helpful Kathryn, it’s definitely all part of a process (albeit slightly longer than I imagined! :D)
Nice post, bit strange to be complimenting your text and not to be complimenting an excellent foto. Good luck with all ex-patting and re-patting. Perhaps getting a dog for some patting is the answer.
Although as I am old, the answer must always end with at 42.
A dog for some patting sounds like the BEST idea… I am contemplating it infact! :D Thanks Bass… Hope you liked the photo at the top though?
I can’t honestly say I understand all of what you’ve been through but I can see other expats know the feeling well and sharing this must be so helpful.
I do love the word discombobulation ;-)
It is the best word, even if it’s the strangest feeling! :D Thanks so much Trish, hope to see you soon. xx
Emma this was illuminating to me, sometimes we think how would it be back to our own country. You gave me many points to reflect on thanks! :)
Thanks for reading it Francesca! :)
I can completely relate to this!!! Moving home is possibly the hardest move but, like you, it’s getting easier. I still miss regular sunshine but we can’t get used to everything, right?! I also now have a favourite new word, kopfkino, I think I’ll be using this a lot :)
Kopfkino just makes sense doesn’t it? :D Thanks so much Katja, like I always say, it’s only people who have made the move themselves that truly understand x
Yes. This. Done it is few times and not sure which country I identify with the most!
It is the strangest feeling isn’t it? Thanks Susanna! x
Oh my gosh, that is the most perfect quote. We are not going ‘home’ any time soon but the quote makes it easier for me to accept that my heart is and will always be in two places. Your post made me think about the things that are better here – the weather, the health service (sorry NHS, I love you but Israel is better), the weather, no antisemitism, the weather and the weather.
Thank you, I am so glad you found it helpful too. It definitely made sense to me!
Love the quote at the beginning of the post.
Thanks Michelle!
Such an interesting read. I can imagine times when it would be great not to be able to understand all the noise going on around! By the way, I can’t believe it’s been two years already!!
Thanks so much! And neither can I! :D x
We have really struggled after our posting
Your new one? I hope you are OK. x
I can so totally relate to this!! We’ve been back in the UK now for 6 months, and even though I love our new home (we moved to a different area in the UK), I will never feel quite right. We’ve repatriated three times now in our married life, and I do believe it gets harder each time.
Nobody ever tells you about how hard it can be. I hope you feel more settled soon too. x
You put it so well, Emma! After three years of being back “home”, Brian and I still struggle with those expat/repat feelings. The other night we both dreamt of being in Seoul and woke up sad.
You and I have done things similarly. Brian and I moved to Denver first and while I miss things about Denver and it’s a very cool city, it just never felt like home for me. It was fun to explore and live in a different part of the country, but we wanted to move the Pacific Northwest! My family is here and Brian has always wanted to live here.
So I spent almost all of 2018 job searching and I got a job in the same small city as my younger sister in September! It’s felt like such an adventure. I drove all the way from Denver alone with our dog. We feel so much more settled in Bellingham already. We also got to visit a place called San Juan Island with my sister and we stayed on her friends’ farm. It is an amazingly beautiful place and reminds me of being in a foreign country (like Iceland or Scotland). Maybe that’s why I like it so much, lol.
I have to admit I’m a little jealous that you’ll get to move abroad again. I crave being in a different culture and getting a second chance to learn a language and do it all over again. I’m still scheming and thinking of long-term goals that might lead to that, but for now I am thankful for living in a beautiful place and will hopefully travel around the US.
This has been the longest comment ever, but your post just got me thinking about all things repat. I’m sure I’ll write another post on it again sometime too! I hope all goes well with your house decorating and future expat plans. :)
Thanks for your lovely comment Marina, I am so pleased things are working out for you both in Bellingham. I think having family close by can make all the difference, it makes it all worth while! :)
Wow – I can’t believe it’s been two years since you moved! It doesn’t seem that long at all. Interesting point about joining expat groups in your home country. That does make a lot of sense.
Thanks so much Nell! :) x
I’m glad having your own house now makes you feel more at home. I’ve never been more than a 10 minute drive from my family so I can’t imagine how it must feel x
Thanks Rhian! x
That is such a lovely, and true quote! It’s like poetry!
Thanks Jenna! :)
How exciting to move and have a new house, hope the kids are settling in well!
Thanks Jenny, we are getting there! :) x
Love this post. I was born in HK and my parents still live there. I think I will go back one day but who knows where life will take me! I think the move to HK from the UK for my parents was rather tough but now they would never look back!
Thanks Charlotte, it’s funny how quickly somewhere else can become home! Would love to explore Hong Kong, what a fabulous place to live! :)
This is the best post, thank you! As we’re preparing for a move back to the US, but across the country, I’m thinking about the mental prep we all need to do to be living in the US again, particularly during this administration. I’m definitely going to be referring again and again to this post.
Good luck with everything. Honestly, just treat it as you would a new country, especially as you are going somewhere unfamiliar to you too. Who knows, we may well be “neighbours” one day! :D Thanks for this comment as well, it makes putting my thoughts on “paper” all the more worthwhile if I know it’s helped someone else. xx